Yet Another Life Update.
I'm just going to start this off by saying... Don't trust any of the goals I set for myself, because I can hardly trust them myself!
I finished the one big video project I'd been working on since the beginning of last year with the intentions to start uploading things monthly to get a more consistent stream of stuff released. I had another video script finished in a little over a week, until I decided to expand the scope of the video to be a bit longer than the original estimated 15 minutes. Due to a lack of equipment at the moment, and not wanting to order it with holiday shipments in full swing at the time of writing, it's getting pushed back to January at the latest (or so I hope. Read above again).
Perhaps more unfortunately, I've been thinking about the state of my YouTube channel again, and questioning what I want out of it. To be honest, I didn't have any plans with it outside of the original few Mega Man videos made to be shitposts foremost. The algorithm (with the initial help from my friend who runs Sigma Posting and its server) gave me its blessing, but I had nothing to maintain that momentum. I was done talking about Mega Man, but YouTube still thinks that's what my channel is all about when I look at where my non-MM related videos are being recommended. Sure, I could've probably started reviewing the games, but I'd just be a drop of water in the sea that already is Mega Man review media. I don't find my perspectives to be all that unique compared to a channel like 'Stuff We Play,' who's already covered even the most obscure titles and said more than I could about them.
Getting a few hundred views on my other videos is certainly nothing to scoff at. Seemingly around half of my subscribers have stuck around for my recent installments, for example. However, (and I hate saying this), I'm not able to make a living off this. I have considered Patreon, but I am not going to start one up until I feel I have two things: a larger returning audience, and (more importantly) a consistent upload schedule. Even if I'm only asking for $1 donations, I don't want people to pay me for droughts of material, especially when I feel like I am hardly doing anything productive during that time to begin with. I have since accepted that YouTube is not going to be a part of my future, because I don't have the passion for it. That doesn't mean I won't still make videos, I am just not going to set myself up to a schedule I know I won't maintain.
To get a bit personal, I've been living in the outskirts of a shithole city with failing infrastructures my entire life. While I have it comparatively easy to most, I have nothing to do here, yet not enough money or credentials to get out. Thank god I have a driver's license and enough revenue from my part time for gas, otherwise I legitimately don't know if I'd be alive today (and don't worry, I've been having therapy sessions for the past 2 years to quell those thoughts). Still, when you're living your life day by day with little direction, some occasional toxic family relations, no one wants to hire you, and you lack the desire to even pursue an education that could (theoretically) make your job hunts easier, it's very depressing. Added that I have pretty bad anxiety (coupled with OCD and ADHD) and overthink even the slightest things (as if it isn't obvious from the way I write), I stop myself before I can get started on things that may improve my wellbeing.
Most days I drift along doing the same things, listening to the same music, talking to the same people or no one at all, and I feel like a puppet. One thing therapy hasn't been able to really help with is understanding who this person they're talking to IS. All the processes to betterment I am told to figure out require me to know who I am, what I want to do, and what I want to get out of this life. I thought I wanted to help the environment years ago, but couldn't finish my degree because I didn't know what career I wanted out of it (plus other bullshit... don't do my university's program). I THOUGHT I wanted to do computer science, learn foreign languages, be a visual artist, but they are all things I lack that ultimate passion for.
This is all to say that I've decided that this coming year... fuck it. I want to discover who I am as a person, and what I truly want out of life. I want to experience new things and meet new people. I love my friends, and will never turn my back on them even in my worst moments, but I need to make other worthwhile connections outside of this small circle of contacts. I want to meet people who will provide me with broader views on what it means to live and to be human. The primary reason I find myself depressed is that I feel like I have nothing to provide to the world, even to those that love me most, other than a vague presence that may or may not be fabricated. I feel detached from my self. What I see through my eyes, listen through my ears, touch with my hands, is all a distant feeling that is hard to truly express. I communicate with this body through alien signals, tell it to mimic a front that it has so often witnessed from watching others from a distance. How do I describe myself to others?
In a possible move too early, I have already started a major step at self discovery. I don't find it worth keeping too under wraps, nor am I going to discuss it more than necessary. I have started hormone replacement therapy. I've never despised the fact that I was born and raised 'male,' but I have always found myself at odds with what I truly enjoyed compared to what I told myself to enjoy because I had to uphold the fact that I was a boy/man, or have to deny my sexuality due to ridicule by certain classmates or my parents. I thought my adult life would give me a different perspective on what it meant to be a man, but, so far, nothing has changed. Perhaps I just need to 'find the right woman' or get a stable career, I am still 'young.' But, do I think those would truly dispel one thought that has pestered me almost daily since I've been able to conceptualize my thoughts into words? I told myself for the past few years, while still claiming agnostic: "Maybe in the next life." Maybe I would be lucky and good karma would pay off.
There is no 'next life,' is there?
Such was my impetus this year. I have long already decided to not have children of my own, even before coming out; the future is too bleak for them, and the last thing they need to inherit is my biological depression or potential physical diseases that run in the family. Plus, in the chance my partner cannot give birth anyways, what does it matter? Adoption and foster care exist and always will. Everyone will have their own personal beliefs on this matter, and I completely respect those. This is unfortunately just the 'glass half empty' mindset that plagues me.
Until now, I've incorporated what small affirming aspects I possibly can without raising too much suspicion from my family or strangers (associating with goth culture certainly helps), but it's not enough to remove certain aspects of my body that intrude on my comfort with it. Perhaps one day I will finally feel in tune, maybe I will just feel different, or still feel that nothing has changed. This will require patience and acceptance of many aspects of reality. However, I have done my research and know what I can or cannot expect. Expressing myself the way I do when I attend concerts or have a special night out is the closest I've felt to this comfortability and control over my self and body. This is purely an extension of that.
I don't care about how I am referred to. You can use they/them. If you don't, I personally don't care. Just don't apply my personal request to other trans/nonbinary individuals. You should respect their own requests (I'd expect you already do if you've read this far to begin with). However, If you 'mis-label' me in an attempt to piss me off, good luck. I have better things to argue with you about than pronouns. At the end of the day, I'm just trying to live my life.
I will likely present male in public for a bit still. I am waiting for it to become a bit safer for the area I live in, though I am trying to break my way into a nearby city that has a hell of a lot more going for it. I still have work to finish at my current residence, but that can always wait in the case I find something more promising elsewhere. Nevertheless, I still need to alter my wardrobe and do other things that are probably obvious if you've seen my face on screen.
So, I will re-iterate again: Don't trust any of the goals I set for myself.
Yes, that does sound bad when pitted against what I just spent the last few paragraphs discussing. I won't deny that, nor the potential irony that may become of it. However, I bring it up again to state that I may be going on another hiatus online. I'll still be around and my DMs are always open, but the things I share will be sporadic and without a defined purpose. I want to spend next year without worrying about the upkeep of an online presence.
Thank you to anyone who made it all the way through this long, long blog post. Thank you to my followers and subscribers across all platforms: Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, etc., for sticking with me through my extremely rare and inconsistent attempts at art or media. An extensive thank you to Mase, Mo, Zek, Isaac, Kirby, Sigma Posting, Springs (and more who I apologize for not listing out of privacy or being forgetful), for supporting me and my pursuits for a variable number of years in my life.
I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and that Santa delivers you the presents (or coal... if you're into that) you deserve! Jarate Claus may come around on Winter-een-mas, so stay tuned for that.
Bis Später
* As of March 2024, some events have changed my opinions on something I thought I felt strongly about. I removed the references to that aspect.